In Addition...

Continuing off of yesterday’s thoughts...

Sometimes I ask God if He really loves me. It’s all fine and great to read about His love in the bible, but as humans I think we all desire to FEEL loved. It’s different if someone just says they love you than if they go out of their way and purpose to DO something to show you it’s true.

I think this might be something that some of you can relate to, so I’m going to put myself out there and share a very personal experience with you.
During our first week of classes we got together as a team and had one of our regular prayer nights. God began to move through the place as people were broken before Him, laying down all their past hurts, and fears, allowing Him to dig up their pain so that He could bring His healing. I don’t know why, but I just felt on the defensive that night. I sat there with arms crossed, not receiving any prayer. Inside I was in turmoil but had determined not to get emotional and was desperately trying to maintain my composure. I refused to listen when others came to pray for me. I just sat there. Angry at God. Why? I’m not sure. I have held on to past hurts and nursed them for so long, that it was too painful to allow them to surface. They’d all been pushed deep down and locked up so that no one could see or find them. When I felt God stirring in me, coaxing me to release them to Him, I became stubborn and refused to acknowledge that He wanted to help me deal with them. They had sort of become my safety blanket, you know? I’d carried those fears and hurts for so long that I felt it would make me too vulnerable and open if I surrendered them to Him. I sat unresponsive as everyone around me was in tears while they willingly offered themselves to the Lord and accepted His cleansing in their lives.

Part of the problem was that I blamed Him for some of my pain. I told God that if He loved me, He wouldn’t have allowed some of those things to happen in my life. I rationalized in my head that since God hadn’t saved me from those hurts, He doesn’t love me as much as He claims He does. I always felt like I had to earn His love, or fight for His approval and that night I was so utterly drained that I had no fight left anymore. I screamed at Him in my mind, “God, why won’t you fight for me?! Just this once, I don’t want to fight. I am tired of trying to seek you without getting a response, so this time YOU fight for me!”

After a few hours one of our leaders stood up and announced that the prayer meeting was officially over, but everyone was welcome to stay and bask in God’s grace if they wanted to. As soon as those words left his mouth, I was out of the room. Anger and bitterness drove me out the front door and across the field. I didn’t even make it halfway before I collapsed to my knees in complete brokenness, my body convulsing under the intensity of my sobs. The night was cold, and the darkness that surrounded me seemed fitting, as it echoed the dark emptiness I felt inside. With tears streaming down my face, I cried out in anguish, “God! Why won’t you fight for me?! You say you love me, then fight for me!” I knelt there like that for well over an hour, wailing loudly in anguish as my heart felt torn apart. My eyes burned from the excessive stream of tears that poured from beneath swollen lids.
Finally, when it seemed all my tears had been spent, I sank fully onto the damp grass in complete exhaustion. I closed my eyes and lay there, too weak to even stand. It was then that I heard God’s voice whisper to me with a clarity I had never heard before. He said:

“I can’t fight for you because you’ve set up walls around your heart. How do you expect me to guard you and fight for you when you’ve set your defences against me?”

The voice was so gentle, yet so definite. I hadn’t realized I had opened my eyes or that I was holding my breath. Immediately after hearing that, there was such a warm peace that flooded me that I began to weep again. I don’t know where those extra tears came from, but I wept in repentance for ever doubting God and just knelt humbly before Him, soaking in His presence. I rocked back and forth, crying as I finally allowed Him to enter those parts of my heart that I had locked securely away.

I came back into the house 2 hours later, with puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and a huge grin on my face. After going through the pain of digging out all my past hurts and laying them at God’s feet, I felt Him begin the process of restoration.

You see, God tries to show us He loves us, but often times it’s our own fault that we don’t see it. We either block Him out entirely, or we don’t realize it when He DOES show us.

The next morning, I was spending time down by the creek in the gardens and was just talking to God. I felt a new-found freedom and was just relishing the intimacy of being closer to Him. I sat in silence with a blanket wrapped around me and enjoyed a beautiful sunrise with my God.
As I sat there conversing with Him (it’s amazing how much He talks to you when you listen), He was saying some things to me, so I wrote them down. Here’s an excerpt from a journal entry of my conversation with God that day:

“Look at the dirt. Do you see the tiny bits of sand that collectively form the ground you walk on? Look closer. Do you see the bugs, so small that they can climb a single blade of grass without it even bending?
I am a God of detail, not of luck or chance. You can let me lead you and you don’t have to be afraid of not knowing what will happen – I know. I will watch over you.
Now look at that acorn. See its insignificance as you hold it in your palm? But plant that acorn in fertile soil, nurture it, and watch it grow.
Behold, I am a God of amazement. I take that which is small, weak, seemingly useless, and I transform it into something strong and great. If I can do this with an acorn that has no soul nor breath, how much more could I do in you through my Spirit?
Look at the sun as it rises faithfully each morning. You don’t question whether it will be there when you awaken – you know it will. As it rises it exposes darkened corners and expels the shadows, bathing the world in light.
How much more faithful am I to you? There’s not a morning you wake up, nor a night you rest your head that I am not beside you. Allow me to bring light to the darkened corners of your heart. Do not lock away your pain from me – give me the key and my light will bring healing and restoration. I did not create just part of you, nor do I just want you to offer part of yourself in return. Rather, give me your WHOLE self. Be it broken – I can mend it; be it weak – in me there’s strength.
Look at the flowers with their contrasts in shapes and colours. Did they sprout from the ground deciding they were going to be a rose, or daffodil, or lily? I decided each and knew what they would be before they broke the soil.
Even as the flower, I knew you before you were born. It was my hands that formed you, my love that gave you life. As the flower, I also created you beautiful. The more you grow in me and bloom in the plan I’ve called you to, the more beautiful you’ll become.
You see, my daughter, it’s not a matter of IF I love you, it’s a matter of IF YOU’LL LET ME love you.”


....thought I’d leave you with that.